Hull City assistant manager Dean Holden is drawing on profound personal experience to navigate the pressures of professional football, finding a unique perspective that helps him manage both on-field challenges and the enduring grief of losing his young daughter, Cici. This deep-seated resilience is proving instrumental as the Tigers enjoy a surprisingly strong start to the season.

Finding Perspective Through Unimaginable Loss

Holden openly shares the profound impact of losing his 17-month-old daughter, Cici, to meningococcal septicaemia 14 years ago. This tragedy, he explains, offers a stark contrast to the highs and lows of football. “If we lose and I’m furious about it, I’ll think, ‘Cici hasn’t died,’” Holden revealed. “I won’t let it affect me or how I prepare for our next match – I won’t let it linger. Don’t get me wrong – nobody wants to win more than me – but nothing will ever be as bad as losing a child.”

He emphasizes that this perspective doesn’t diminish his competitive drive but rather contextualizes setbacks. “Everything in life is fixable other than that one thing,” Holden stated. “It does help put things into perspective. I’ll tell myself, ‘Calm down, you’ve lost a game of football.’”

‘Holden It Together’: A Family’s Journey of Honesty

Dean and his wife, Danielle, have chosen to confront their grief openly, even sharing their experiences in a YouTube series titled ‘Holden It Together.’ The show offers an unfiltered look at their family life with their four other children, touching on difficult subjects like the statistic that a significant percentage of relationships end after the loss of a child.

Holden attributes their enduring partnership to a refusal to let uncontrollable factors disrupt their bond. “It’s because we refuse to let things we can’t control get in the way,” he explained. “It’s not all sweetness and light. People don’t tend to talk about what we talk about – like how the menopause has nearly ruined our marriage, what happened with Cici. All of it. It’s about brutal honesty. It’s about communication. There has been no magic cure.”

Managerial Philosophy: Honesty and ‘No Jealousy’

Holden’s current role as assistant manager under Sergej Jakirovic at Hull City is characterized by a similar emphasis on directness and clear communication. “He’s all about honesty and clarity,” Holden said of his manager. “He’s old school. He’ll tell players how it is to their faces. Black and white. There’s no dancing around things.”

A key tenet of Jakirovic’s approach is fostering an environment of “no jealousy” among the squad. This is particularly relevant given the significant number of new signings made during the transfer window. “He tells the players not to be jealous of their team-mates if they’re getting picked instead of them,” Holden elaborated. “He might take two players off at half-time because he wants to make a tactical change. But nobody can mope around because the chances are he’ll pick them for the next game and they’ll need to be ready. His communication is unbelievable.”

An Unexpected Beginning with the Manager

Holden’s relationship with Jakirovic began with a moment of on-field tension. “Our teams were playing against each other when I was an assistant in Turkey,” Holden recalled. “He did the old trick of waving an imaginary card to try and get one of our lads sent off and I wasn’t having it.” The confrontation led to a heated exchange, but it was this display of passion and a willingness to fight that Holden believes Jakirovic respected, especially considering Holden’s team was facing relegation at the time.

Hull’s Flying Start and Overcoming Adversity

Hull City has made a remarkable start to the season, securing two wins from their opening two matches against Manchester United and Coventry City. This success comes after a challenging previous season where the team narrowly avoided relegation, having been under a transfer embargo. Holden, who himself overcame three broken legs during his playing career, sees parallels between last season’s underdog status and the team’s current approach.

“We were underdogs in most games last season,” Holden noted. “So this season isn’t really any different. We had a lot of spirit, were really hard-working and carried no prima donnas. Just proper, humble, working-class lads who had come through the ranks and up through the levels.”

Addressing Pre-Season Doubts

The team was aware of external doubts, including comments from Joe Cole suggesting Hull had arrived in the Premier League “through the back door” and were already destined for relegation. “We were aware of it,” Holden confirmed. “The manager mentioned it to the players. In fairness, I think they were having a laugh but it was disappointing to hear it from people who know how hard it is to make it as a player, let alone get to the Premier League.”

Coping Mechanisms and Future Aspirations

Beyond football, Holden and his wife have explored various methods to manage stress and maintain well-being. They discovered the Wim Hof Method, incorporating ice baths and meditation into their daily routine, which they now share with their children. “Physiologically, it resets you when you’re under a lot of stress,” Holden explained. “Yoga and meditation twice a day have probably saved both of us.”

Looking ahead, Holden, at 46, harbors ambitions of returning to management. However, his immediate focus remains on Hull City’s primary objective: securing their place in the Premier League. “The task is to stay up, simple as that,” he stated. “We know what we need points-wise, stats-wise, clean sheets-wise.” He draws on the wisdom of a famous manager who advised that around 10 wins and a few draws are typically sufficient for survival, emphasizing the need to remain resilient and bounce back from disappointments.

A Return to Lanzarote?

As Cici would have turned 16 in December, Holden is contemplating a return to Lanzarote, the location of their family tragedy. He sees this as a potential step in his own grieving process and an opportunity to share his experiences, hoping it might help others facing similar struggles. “I think I still need to grieve myself,” he said. “I’d hope it might help others. Share with them the feelings involved, and what to expect next.”