Former Millwall captain Matt Lawrence has recounted the harrowing experience of dying twice in the span of four days in March 2021, a consequence of a severe drug addiction exacerbated by a batch of cocaine laced with fentanyl. Now over a year sober, Lawrence is sharing his story publicly for the first time, detailing his struggles and his ongoing journey toward recovery and self-respect.

A Brush with Death in New York City

Lawrence, who once captained Millwall against Manchester United in the 2004 FA Cup final, found himself in a life-threatening situation in New York City due to his battle with addiction. The cocaine he purchased was contaminated with fentanyl, a synthetic opioid potent enough to be lethal in minuscule amounts. The first incident occurred on St. Patrick’s Day, where he was found unresponsive and resuscitated by emergency services thanks to the presence of bystanders. Tragically, three other individuals died from the same contaminated drug batch on the same day. The dealer responsible was later sentenced to 30 years in prison.

Just four days later, on March 21, Lawrence experienced a second fatal overdose. After taking another portion of the same drug, he collapsed inside a bar. The situation was so critical that a priest administered the last rites. Lawrence recalls the events with a sense of disbelief, noting how he had “normalized dying.” He described the first incident: “I remember going to the bathroom, doing the drugs and feeling a bit weird. I walked back to the bar past the person I was with and said I was going to get some air.” His memory of the rest is pieced together from accounts, including that he “walked halfway across Bleecker Street and passed out, stopped breathing and a Good Samaritan stopped the traffic.” He was revived by emergency services administering Narcan (naloxone), an opioid overdose reversal medication.

He recounted the second overdose: “In a bar, I remember sitting down in a chair, three or four of us around a table, and I don’t remember any more. My friend said I just went limp and slid onto the floor. My muscles stopped working. I stopped breathing. I was given the last rites, it was that close.” He woke up with a needle in his arm, presumably from the Narcan administration.

A Football Career Marked by Insecurity

Lawrence, now 52, insists he never used drugs during his 16-year professional playing career, which included spells at Wycombe Wanderers, Fulham, Millwall, and Crystal Palace. His career peaked in the Championship, but he often grappled with profound insecurity, feeling he didn’t truly belong even at the height of his success.

“Every second of my professional football career was amazing, but I just didn’t believe in it or believe in me to start off with,” Lawrence shared. This self-doubt persisted even when he was a key player for Millwall. He admitted to hiding during hospital visits at Christmas, not out of arrogance, but due to a feeling of inadequacy. “It wasn’t because I thought I was too good, it was because I didn’t think I was good enough.”

His time at Millwall was highlighted by the 2004 FA Cup final appearance. While the semi-final against Sunderland remains vivid, the final itself is a blur, remembered mainly for the 3-0 loss to Manchester United, Cristiano Ronaldo’s performance, and an incident where Ruud van Nistelrooy kicked him in the testicles during a corner.

At Crystal Palace, Lawrence experienced the intense adrenaline rush of a last-gasp relegation escape in 2010, a feeling he likened to winning a trophy. He also recalled Neil Warnock’s unconventional methods upon arriving as manager, including a brutal pitch session designed to foster team cohesion.

The Decline After Football

Lawrence’s playing career concluded with stints at Gillingham and Whitehawk. He found the transition away from professional football particularly challenging. “When it stops, it stops very rapidly. The same as death happens very quickly at the end. There is no recreating the adrenaline rush of a matchday so I numbed the loss,” he explained.

This period marked a significant deterioration in his domestic life, leading him deeper into alcohol and drug abuse. He found a perverse comfort in being controlled by substances, stating, “I was happy to be controlled by something. By anything. Cocaine and alcohol are pretty good at that.”

Living in the United States since 2016, Lawrence worked as a TV analyst for Major League Soccer. He clarified that New York was not the cause of his downfall, asserting, “New York was not my downfall. I was my downfall. I’d have found trouble in any far-flung island.” He created a self-imposed bubble to escape the realities of life, work, and finances, though he noted he did not possess extravagant wealth.

The Path to Sobriety and a New Beginning

Despite surviving two near-fatal overdoses in 2021, Lawrence continued to struggle, relapsing into cocaine use within six months, albeit without further fatal incidents. The addiction took a severe toll financially, domestically, and professionally. “I was incredibly depressed. Spending days in tears doing drugs and days in tears not doing drugs. Miserable and upset,” he recalled.

A pivotal moment came when his girlfriend told him, “You have to stop, you can’t do this anymore.” This led him to commit to sobriety, with his first day of true sobriety being August 10, 2024. Since then, Lawrence has been focused on rediscovering joy in life, appreciating his family and work, and reconnecting with the sport he once played.

He is currently writing his autobiography, utilizing his degree in American literature. Lawrence views sobriety not as a temporary state but as a permanent commitment. “Sobriety is the finality. There is no five years. No 10 years. No finish line. It’s the only thing,” he stated. He concludes, “I am sober as we speak today, I’ll be sober for the rest of today and tomorrow. I won’t preach to anybody else about how to live their lives, but I know I am an infinitely better human being sober.”